History Marches On by Traci Kenworth

History Marches Forward

Traci Kenworth

Ever notice how nothing ever looks backward? Day after day, you go about things, it’s never the same as what’s happened previously to a degree. Sure, you may do the same chores, drive the same drive, talk to the same people but there are always slight differences. It’s the way that history marches forward, that life stamps its existence for us.

All throughout our lives, we rush, rush, rush. Sometimes never taking the time to appreciate those around us until it’s too late. Bodies age, pets crumble to time, it’s just a fact of life. And yet, shouldn’t it be more? Shouldn’t it mean more? Why should we wrap our emotions in a tight box and keep them ensnared there?

Society teaches us to keep those emotions in check. That it’s not wise or good to display things on our sleeves. It’ll put us at risk. At risk of what? Showing others, we’re human? That we care? Shouldn’t we open our hearts to one another? To let them know what they mean to us. I know that seems odd, coming from a woman: the emotional shell.

The truth is: I’ve had to put one on my entire life. First, because my family didn’t understand why I acted like I did. Why I cried at sad scenes in books or TV shows. And I don’t mean a few tears. I would really ball my heart out. Everything touched me to a degree I struggled to keep under control. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I understood why that behavior was.

After my breakdown and the trauma, I went through during my abusive marriage, I suffered from PTSD but it wasn’t till they dug deeper that they diagnosed me with bipolar. It was something that had ran on my father’s side for generations. My grandmother had it. My paternal aunt. My great-grandmother’s sister. I’m not sure how far back it goes. I just know that it’s been costly for all of us. My grandmother went through shock treatments for years. That poor woman suffered greatly.

I can’t imagine undergoing such a thing. It scares me to the core to think of how people with mental illnesses were treated throughout history. Still are treated. Someone like Ye makes the rest of us look bad. Just because you have a disorder doesn’t mean your prejudiced or hateful or stupid. It just means I have to take meds and monitor my behavior.

I don’t get scary violent or talk about blowing people up. That’s not me. My anger is directed inward at myself. It’s not to say that I don’t have a temper. Because everybody does. Mine’s just more self-destructive. I get frustrated and angry at myself. Sometimes for my existence. I wish I were different. I try to be different. But then I just come back to plain old me. And that’s okay. Cause in truth, I’m not that bad. It’s only on the down days that I think that’s not enough.

For so much of my life, I tried to change who I was, but it never worked out. I could never be the person I wasn’t, and my charade was found out. My pretense wasn’t done to hurt anyone but to get away from myself, from the hatred of who I was inside. It took a lot of years for me to make peace with myself. To accept myself. To dare I even say: like myself?

I’m not the same person I was years ago. I lose more and more of those times every day but that’s okay. It wasn’t who I wanted to be. I thought it was at the time, but I’ve found a better me now. I was just thinking yesterday that this is me without all the varnish, without all the pretend. I don’t have to pose for people. Bend myself into their preference. I like that. I’m finally free to be myself. History does indeed march on.

Happenings: Well, sad to say: the property didn’t work out. They didn’t have city water available, first strike. Second, we would’ve had to know off the bat, how much we were going to put into the building of the lot. Like, a given twenty-thousand for a septic system but beyond that we figured fifteen-to-twenty-thousand for setting up the site and weren’t sure if that would include the driveway or not. Also, we’d have to roll all of that in with our mortgage payment and we couldn’t do that yet because technically, this place is under contract until Sept. 2024. Even though, we ourselves, are not. And the final strike, that the town/county didn’t allow manufactured homes on the lot. So, yeah. Back to figuring on houses when we move in the next year or two. No wonder a lot of people don’t move with manufactured homes.

Some Links around the web that might interest you:

  1. Myths of the Mirror https://mythsofthemirror.com/2023/01/07/december-book-reviews-part-two/ According to my new blogging schedule developed by my muse, today I’m supposed to share a blog post from our community that made me marvel, laugh, cry, cheer, or gasp at its beauty. But… I HAVE to share the rest of my December reviews of blogger books before any more time flies by. December’s second bunch of reviews includes my 5-star reads of a memoir, a poetry collection, a paranormal fantasy, a military thriller, and an anthology of short crime stories. Sounds like a good mix for everyone.
  2. The Story Reading Ape https://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/2023/01/08/refresher-course-17-rules-to-avoid-comma-confusion-by-dana-isaacson/ Other teachers at my junior high school used new English textbooks, but in Mr. B.’s classroom the grammar books were over twenty years old and well-worn. Our seventh-grade English teacher, an older gent, had a well-deserved reputation for volatility. Any student who could not recite the helping verbs in under four seconds had to be prepared for sarcastic derision. Anyway, Mr. B. taught me grammar and punctuation. Fix it later He might have been tough, but you can expect New York publishers to be tougher. They won’t yell at you. Worse, they’ll ignore you. After finishing a novel’s first draft, one writer recently said, “I’ll let the publishers unkink all the kinks.” Indeed, a book publisher will hammer—or should I be gentler and say massage?—your manuscript into impeccable shape, but a manuscript must pass through many hands before it reaches a copy editor’s desk. It seems unwise for prospective book authors to count on others to ignore their mistakes.
  3. Rosie Amber https://rosieamber.wordpress.com/2023/01/08/%f0%9f%93%9ayoure-in-for-a-treat-terrytyler4-reviews-historicalmystery-murder-mischief-by-carol-hedges-riotgrandma72-for-rosies-bookreview-team-rbrt/ This is Book Ten of the series and I have read the other nine; you will, therefore, gather that these books absolutely work for me. They’re linked, in that the same detectives appear in all books, and each story has cameo appearances from characters found in the earlier ones, but they’re completely stand-alone. My advice is to start with #1, though – you’ll want to read them all, I promise! Murder & Mischief, set mostly in London in the mid-19th Century, features a mysterious snow-covered corpse in the garden of a wealthy and unscrupulous land developer, an even more mysterious top hat, two children who have escaped from workhouse drudgery, a clever private detective (female, shock horror!), a community of bohemian artists, and Ms Hedges’ trademark supporting cast of grimy folk in dingy pubs and lodging houses, doing what they feel they must to stay afloat … a prostitute here, a social climber there, all crowded into Victorian London at its best, worst and every level in between. Then there is the ancient and dilapidated Ships Head down at the Docks, almost a character in itself. The ‘formula’ is similar in each one, but it never gets tired, and I always hope there will be more. It’s not easy to review a Book 10 in a series without repeating oneself, so I’ll leave it with this: it’s great. They’re all great. Curl up on the sofa with cushions, a blanket, a cup of hot chocolate and a candle or two (to feel like part of the setting!), and you’re in for a treat! I love the variety of the reveiws and reviewers for Rosie Amber.
  4. Entertaining Stories https://coldhandboyack.wordpress.com/2023/01/08/weekend-effort/ I had some good intentions, but failed once again. I managed about an hour of writing on Saturday with the intent of a bit more today. When I stopped, Old What’s Her Face was on the phone with our daughter. She was doing laundry and being bored. I mentioned that if she drove to Boise, we would buy her dinner as a joke. It took legs from there. Our daughter brought two large baskets of laundry and ran it through our machines. We wound up going to Olive Garden because it’s our daughter’s favorite. I have to admit being impressed with their new menu. My meal was wonderful. She stayed this morning until around 3:00, and I’m not going to dive into my MS this late in the day. It was virtually a lost weekend, but I’ll take it. I already mentioned that in three months or so, our daughter is going to leave the state. Seeing her will become damned near impossible after that, so I’ll take all I can get.
  5. Tel Aviv’s Feral Cats https://telavivsferalcats.home.blog/2023/01/08/where-does-your-cat-sleep-at-night/ Cats like sleeping in high places because it gives them a sense of safety. They can watch for dangers from a higher ground and not worry about dogs attacks. They can also watch and enjoy the scene better, and not worry about puddles when it rains. In winter, cats will look for a warm place to sleep, which is why self-warming cats beds are such a hot deal. They love napping on top of cars, for instance. And they also like closed places to protect them from the wind and give them a sense of privacy. If the opening to the hiding place is small, they don’t have to worry about larger predators barging in. I once knew a feral cat who lived under a bush, and she spent the nights there. A house cat will sleep on a sofa, your bed, your dresser, table, or a chair. That’s another advantage of cats’ beds: they can be placed on a sofa, desk, or on top of a laundry machine. My cat likes to occupy my desk. She often keeps me from being able to see the computer screen.
  6. Syl’s 65 blog https://syl65.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/mondaythoughts-sun%f0%9f%8c%bbflowers-%f0%9f%8c%bb/
  7. Writers in the Storm https://writersinthestormblog.com/2023/01/how-to-find-the-best-awards-for-your-book/ by Hannah Jacobson There are literally thousands of book awards out there. How do you find the right ones for your book? The World Celebrates Award-Winning Authors It’s no secret that the world celebrates award-winning authors. From building your author platform to fueling your story marketing, awards are a boon to every author’s career. How can you find the best book award opportunities for your book to win? Book Award Basics: How They Work Most authors don’t know that award-winning success is within their reach. It doesn’t happen like magic, but with a little work, adding “award-winning author” to your bio could be in your future. In fact, it is commonly believed that an award simply “happens” to some authors: perhaps somewhere in the mystical literary ethers, a magical selection occurs and deems them award-worthy. That incorrect assumption leads many authors to believe they may not be ready for an award, or worse, that all awards are out of their reach. That is simply not the case! I never knew you sought out awards. I thought they had to choose you.
  8. Robbie’s Inspiration https://robbiesinspiration.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/robbies-inspiration-chicken-and-vegetable-stew-with-white-wine/
  9. Angel Messages https://annetterochelleaben.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/angel-messages-jan-9-2023/
  10. Writers Helping Writers https://writershelpingwriters.net/2023/01/an-unbreakable-promise-to-readers/ A novel’s opening chapter makes a promise, a secret vow that says, “This is what you can expect from me.” The chapters that follow better fulfill that promise, or the author will suffer the consequences with low-ratings, bad reviews, or their name on the Don’t Not Read list. This is an important one, writers. Follow through on the promise you make the reader. Give them the story you promised. I hope I always do.
  11. Entertaining Stories https://coldhandboyack.wordpress.com/2023/01/10/guest-post-the-last-drive-by-john-w-howell-newbook/ Let’s all welcome John Howell to the Entertaining Stories blog. John is a dear friend, one of my collaborators at Story Empire, and a prolific blogger. He’s also one hell of an author. He’s here to tell us about his newest release. Please use those sharing buttons to help him out. I know he’s done it for me, and I’m pretty sure he’s shared your promos, too. The place is yours, John. I am so pleased to be with you today, Craig`. I want to thank you for helping to spread the word about The Last Drive. I have been impressed on your ability to develop characters and storylines that are chock full of personality and excitement. I had not thought about creating a sequel to Eternal Road. One day though it struck me that the story was probably half finished. I decided that the characters deserved to at least have a story that was a definitive conclusion. I’m glad to say that I feel the story is complete now. Here is the blurb and then we can get to a short excerpt from the book. I have read several of John’s books and they never disappoint on the promise above!
  12. Life in the Realm of Fantasy https://conniejjasperson.com/2023/01/09/revisiting-the-business-sequence-for-writers-guest-post-by-ellen-king-rice-writerlife/
  13. Books and Such https://teripolen.com/2023/01/09/travel-cats-and-amwatching/ After traveling the last three weeks, I’ve got a lot to catch up on. On the positive side, I got some reading done – I mentioned last week that airports and flying are good for my TBR. The negative? Piles of laundry waiting, Christmas decorations still out (honestly, I’d leave my tree up all year if I could get away with it), and a long to-do list for the week. One of the things on that list is to paint Son #1’s room. We’ve been in this house a little over sixteen years, and his room is the only one with the original paint color. The biggest reason is that I couldn’t get in the room to do it. He’s a notorious pack rat. While he was here over Christmas, I finally got him to clean out some things. I won’t even tell you how his apartment looks. You’ve heard of the show Hoarders? Just sayin’. Speaking of Son #1, I mentioned last week that his cat Sora and Bond didn’t get along the two weeks they were together over the holidays. Sora left last Monday, but before she was put in the carrier she vomited six times (she’s fine and a good traveler – I think it was just her way of stating her displeasure) and gave Bond a swipe across the lip that drew a little blood. He’s also fine. After being on alert for those two weeks (she likes to attack without warning), he was exhausted and slept all day after Sora left. Cats. Never a dull moment. My cats get in their tangles too. My sister cats, Prissy and Calico, forget they grew up next to each other and are always hissing at each other. The males, surprisingly, rarely fight.
  14. Chris the Story Reading Ape https://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/2023/01/10/a-road-map-to-your-writing-guest-post-by-traci-kenworth/ Everybody says do this or do that and you’ll have a road map to your writing. The truth is the journey’s different for every writer. You can’t take any two writers out there and compare their path and find them the same. It just doesn’t happen that way. We can read about someone’s success and repeat what they did but the odds of it working are just off the charts. Now, don’t get me wrong, you can learn from those that have gone before you. And that’s the great thing about reading or listening to a successful author. Yes, their steps CAN help you but there’s no guarantee their journey will duplicate yours. No matter what you do, you’re going to learn the ropes on your own. Not because successful authors won’t share their “secrets,” but because that’s how it was meant to be for you. I’m not trying to discourage you. Stephen King is Stephen King because he put in the hard work. Just like any author before or after him. There are no shortcuts. It’s like life. No one takes the same turn and twists. Hits the same wall. Even twins have their different paths. It’s just the way it is. Again, that’s not meant to discourage you. What it’s meant to do is to let you know not to compare your writer’s ups and downs to another’s. You’ll each have different forks in the roads. Each has elevated areas from the other. It’s like winning awards. Not everybody does that but those that do appreciate the uniqueness, how far they’ve come. There’s always something to tackle, something to reach for. That’s what keeps the journey interesting: always having a goal. If we didn’t, there’d be no point. Now, my goals might be different from yours. Not everyone wants medals. Some writing goals will be simply to be published in a certain genre or category. Yours truly. Couldn’t resist. Hope you don’t mind the self-promotion! Chris always has good stuff on his site and I’m honored to be able join others in blogging there.

11 responses to “History Marches On by Traci Kenworth”

  1. So wonderful to know that you are free to be yourself! ❤ Thank you for including the Angel Messages here, Traci!

    1. Thank you, Annette! It feels good to not have to hide that part of me. I know not everyone will understand and some will be afraid but really, I’m trying to be the best person I can be, even will all the baggage I have from the years.

  2. “It took a lot of years for me to make peace with myself. To accept myself. To dare I even say: like myself?” I was so glad to read this, Traci, and see that your journey and growth are taking you to a new place of understanding and peace with yourself. Life sure can be a challenge at times. Thanks so much for sharing my reviews! I’m delighted that you enjoyed them. Have a beautiful week. ❤

    1. Thank you, D.! I have worked so hard over the years to get to this peace, to just let go of all that I can of the past that burdened me. There’s something to be said for being older, lol.

      1. I totally agree, Traci. There’s a grace in getting older and just letting go of all turmoil and accepting ourselves.

  3. HI Traci, an honest and well considered post. We all face adversity in life, it comes in different forms for everyone. You can see a person who seem to have everything, but in reality, they never do. Look at poor Lisa Marie Presley who has just died so young. If you can rise about the adversity you face in life and make a go of things, then you have succeeded, in my opinion.

    1. Thank you, Robbie. I still can’t quite believe Lisa Marie Presley is gone. She is one year older than me, I believe. Or it might be, one year younger. Can’t remember. But I always kept an eye on her life because of my mom’s love for her father’s music. I didn’t know she had three daughters though until they announced her successors to Graceland. I hope those girls have a better life.

      1. The price of fame is often a very heavy one, Traci. I would never want to be in the limelight like her family or Price Harry.

      2. I agree, Robbie. I always say I’d like to be able to live comfortably but not be like one of the famous or I couldn’t even imagine Prince Harry’s family.

  4. Thanks for sharing. Hope you find the right place soon.

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