The Writer’s Wheel 5/16/2020 Loleta Abi

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The Writer’s Wheel 5/17/2020: Making Amends

Loleta Abi

I used to think there were some things you couldn’t come back. Some mistakes you couldn’t forgive yourself or others for. It’s a hard step to get over the hurt, the bruising others have left you with. Or your children. The latter is the hardest of all to get over. We want to protect our children but no matter how much we wish otherwise, it isn’t always in our power. Instead, we pray to God to help us break up that hatred, that gate that won’t budge. Even today, with my children grown, there are instances, ghosts from the past that anger me, making me want revenge. If this were fiction, we could do that so much easier. The hero walks into the streets and faces off against the villain. Here, in real life, there are laws. Good and bad. Sometimes the villains walk. That’s a sad but true fact. We can let that fact destroy us or we can learn to live again, to let go of the gate and let that darkness fall into the past where it belongs.

We don’t have to like it. We just have to accept that if we hold on to that grudge, it’ll do us far more harm than it does them. That anger, that bitterness can cost us our soul, some even their lives. Unfortunately, there are a lot of bad people who tear our worlds apart, make us forget who we were, that we exist apart from them. It begins the moment we go to school and dare to be different than others. It continues through our lives. I’m not saying everything I’ve done I’m proud of, but I’m proud of what I’ve come out of, what I’ve survived. I used to think things were so simple. Right from wrong. Life is more complex than we give it credit for.

Some days, things can bring me to my knees. Others, I can get back up and go on. I think, seeing that my children found the strength to lift themselves up. Plenty of people thought I wouldn’t make much of myself growing up. It wasn’t that I didn’t grasp at opportunities, I just didn’t have the follow through. I wanted more than just a regular job. I wanted to be more than just a paycheck. My dreams were hard to reach though. Hard to grab hold of. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I realized I had to have a regular job to follow my dreams. Writing takes years, a lifetime even sometimes, to see any returns. And I don’t say regular job like those jobs are beneath me. I admire those that work them. I’m happy for people who like their jobs, even better for those that love them. Some of us had to make sacrifices and go into areas we didn’t want to because we had families counting on us. How obnoxiously wrong of us though to make people feel bad about their choices or lack of them.

Look, I’m not saying we shouldn’t put our families before our dreams at times but if we can find our way back to those dreams, how much the better we’ll be. If we can find someone we love, who loves us and doesn’t want to change us that is wonderful. The kind of relationship to build dreams with. No, to build a family and a future. I know this took a lighter turn then what I started with. As I said, forgiveness is a two-edged sword. One side can cut us deep, the other can destroy us further. We do what we can to protect ours. Would that we always could. But darkness happens as does light. Making amends with your heart to lift that clutter can lead to a beautiful life. Peace is worth cutting out the weeds.

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