The Writer’s Wheel 4/5/2020 Loleta Abi

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The Writer’s Wheel 4/5/2020: Writing with Regrets

Loleta Abi

How is it, you can look back, see a way to correct your mistake but end up making the same one again? What motivates us to go through the fire again?

Regrets.

Feeling that you could’ve, should’ve done better. Most of my life have been full of regrets. Being a failure in elementary and high school. Wanting something better in college. Getting it and ruining it for all purposes. Going home in shame because you couldn’t stand up for yourself and wipe the slate clean. Thinking your life was over because of that mistake. Accepting that you’d go through life as a grunt, never meaning anything to anybody.

Yeah, that was my life once upon a time. I thought I could leap over the moon with my dreams. I was young and naïve. And I let a bad fall scald my future. It led to a serious of meaningless jobs though I loved them and the interactions they brought with people. I learned how to open up, to be more me. I guess fate has a way of taking us where we’re meant to be.

And Then We Run into a Wall.

I thought I knew the man I fell in love with, but I didn’t know him at all. He lied to me repeatedly as we built a life. I had been searching for something, not knowing what it was or what it could be. With the birth of my daughter and son, I found it. But I made discoveries I wasn’t prepared for. The marriage dissolved. The courts granted me sole custody of the children and I bought a house and prepared to give my children a better life than I’d had.

Oh, the snaggles that come our way. I fell into a pit of darkness called bipolar. Depression, anxiety, the whole package came. At first, they thought it was PTSD because of the hell I’d gone through with my ex. I didn’t realize my paternal aunt and paternal grandmother had been diagnosed with it. I couldn’t seem to claw my way out and each day was worse than the last until, hospitalization.

It was a nightmare. People screamed all day long. I couldn’t shake the headaches, the fogginess, the endless energy that dampened with the meds they gave us at night. I had some individuals trying to assault me at the same time and it unnerved me to deal with them and myself. I spoke with the dr. again and he agreed I might get better care at home. So, I was sent home to find that I had to fight for my children and my sakes.

It was trial and error at the new counseling place they sent me to. I turned out allergic to all the meds they started me on. So, it was a scramble to withdraw (try to avoid this!) and be put on other meds. Finally, some balance came. I spent a long time as a zombie, just trying to get through the day, feeling zoned out and not-myself. But slowly, progress grew. I took up journaling at the advice of my therapist and from there, began to write again. Being in someone else’s shoes allowed me to examine my own. I found I wasn’t as bad as I thought. I was worthy of love, of being somebody.

Yeah, regrets can take a lot out of you, but they can also re-build your life. I like who I am now. I have my faults. I don’t always do the right thing. But I try. That’s all any of us can do. The point is: forgive yourself. Begin again. Find something inside yourself to draw on whether that’s religion or survival. Life is good when we realize what the most important parts of our journey are. It’s not money. It’s not the size of your house. The car you drive. It’s our loved ones. Our pets. Ourselves. Maybe we didn’t get a good start, but we can have a good finish. Give your family hugs today. Take care, God bless!

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